9 Things Not to Say to Your Child (or Yourself)

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It’s really awesome to be able to share these things with you and I have gotten some amazing reactions from some of you through email, social media and different places.

It’s really great to see how these little ideas that different ones of us get the opportunity to either experience or read about, or learn about, we can share them with each other.

And I’d like to encourage you to do the same thing too, to share these things with people that you know who probably really need them. And maybe don’t have the time to read or don’t have the time to watch these videos. But you can pass these things on to them and have a really great impact on their lives.

Did Your Parents Influence You This Way?

Now, speaking of great impact on people’s lives, I have a topic of things you should never say to your children.

If you’re not a parent, please don’t go, give me a chance, okay, if you’re not a parent, this is also really good for you because this is about those beliefs that you have today. And it’s very likely source that this is where some of your beliefs came from.

[shareable cite=”Abe Stone”]It’s very likely source that this is where some of your limiting beliefs came from.[/shareable]

You might see that kid in you resonating with some of these things that maybe you were told at some point.

Some of these ideas were actually given to us, passed on to us by our parents or caregivers who didn’t really mean to do this in a negative way, they didn’t mean to hurt you, they just didn’t know better, they didn’t understand how some of these things work in the long run.

9 Things You Don’t Want to Say to Your Child

Alright, so here they are. Here are the nine things you don’t want to say to children.

1. You Are So…

The first one is, “You are so…” whatever it might be.

“You are so messy.”

“You are so rowdy.”

“You’re so beautiful.”

“You’re so…” these things that put a label right on them and immediately the kid starts to identify with that label and fit into that mold that he thinks is expected from him.

[shareable cite=”Abe Stone”]Don’t unknowingly label others or yourself. What is the story you believe?[/shareable]

2. Why Can’t You Be More Like So and So?

Now this one, number two is really about comparing, and that is,

“Why can’t you be more like so and so?”

Or,

“Why aren’t you more like him, or her?”

And you find that as an adult, you end up doing the same thing, you do it in your business, you do it at your workplace.

“Why can’t I accomplish the same way that she does?”

“Why can’t I produce the same kind of content that they do?”

“Why can’t I  get the same amount of clients as this person does?”

And that’s something you don’t want to instil in a child.

3. Good Job.

4. Good Boy/Girl.

Now, this one will probably surprise you, it really surprised me. And that is, don’t say “Good job”, or “Good boy” or “Good girl.” I always thought the idea was to give positive encouragement and to say those kind words to encourage them to continue to better.

What that does is that it puts the focus on them. So if they are either good or bad as a person, or the job that they did is good or bad, so they’re always seeking just that approval and they’re looking at outcomes and not actually look at what they did to get there.

And by simply changing it and saying,

“Wow, you must have really worked hard to get this done so well”

or

“Wow, you invested a lot of time in making this come out so awesome.”

Now these little changes in your language can do a lot to help a child to learn how to look at the processes, look at what they’re doing, look at their actions that lead to those results and understand goals and working towards something rather than just that end feeling of well, I’m good or I am bad, or I did good or I did bad. But no, I worked hard, I took time.

And those things are things that even affect you today when you look at what you are doing.

5. You are the ____ One.

Now this is another one, it’s in the labelling section, but I think it really needs specific attention because it’s when you do that comparing.

“Oh, you are the smart one.”

“You are the talented one.”

“You are the lazy one.”

[shareable cite=”Abe Stone”]It’s nice to hear, ‘You are the smart one’ but is it helpful?[/shareable]

Those kind of comments, they go putting labels, but they create that negative comparison and the children they just begin to pull back and pull into this framework that they become self-limited by those beliefs. And it takes a lot as an adult to be able to change those beliefs and move out of them.

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6. Don’t Cry.

Now this one I think is a little bit more of an obvious one and that is when you say

“Don’t cry!”

“Boys don’t cry!”

“Big kids, don’t cry. Why are you crying?”

You try to stifle those emotions in order to be able to kind of reason with them.

Well, the thing is, sometimes they need to be able to feel those emotions and that’s why so many times as adults we to come to the point where we don’t even know how to process them, we don’t know how to talk about them, because we were told to believe the emotions were bad as a child.

But no, “Let’s see, this makes you sad doesn’t it? Well, what makes you sad about it? Okay.” And work through it and help them through that.

[shareable cite=”Abe Stone”]Learn to work through emotions, not stifle them. [/shareable]

7. We Can’t Afford That.

I think this is a really big one and it centers around money. And that is when you say “Oh, we can’t afford that. We can’t afford that.”

The problem that happens there is it does two things; it makes the child thing that you’re not in control of your money , which is not a good example for them to learn from and grow into. But it also keeps you in this negative mindset and a negative frame of thinking. And so it’s almost like a default when you see and you come to face things that you really want and it’s just, “I can’t afford it, I can’t afford it.”

One little tip is, just even for yourself as an adult to change that, if you want to come out of it, is well how could I afford that? What would I do to be able to buy that? And it puts you in a frame of looking for solutions rather than looking at the problem.

For your children, a really good thing to say is to simply say, “Well right now we are saving up for this, we are saving up for that, because we want to be able to buy this at this point.” And that gives them the sense that yes, they have a plan and we are working with the plan.

8. I’m Disappointed in You.

One more is “I’m disappointed in you.” Because when you talk about that disappointment then you’re shifting the person’s focus, the child’s focus and in your case you may be experiencing this in your workplace where you don’t want to disappoint the person, you’re focused on making other people happy rather than really understanding what is the right thing to do , what is the best decision, what is something that’s important to do.

So when you’re working with your child, simply say something like “Well, what made you make that choice?” Get them to look at the choices or “What do you think about what you did?” And they start to look at it and they, with a little bit of guidance, will learn how to look at it and understand well I did this, this was wrong and you start to ask questions,

“Well, what would have been the right choice?”

“What would have been the better thing to do in this situation?”

“How could you do better next time?”

9. Why?

The last one is I think really important and I think a lot of, as adults we end up with this big question, and it’s “Why?” And I think it really starts when we were working with children and we tell them

“Why did you do that?”

“Why are you so…?”

“Why didn’t you..?”

“Why can’t you…?”

And this why immediately puts the person in a condition of guilt and self analysis which is just negative and bringing them down and just looking at themselves.

Rather you can say things like

“What made you think about doing this?”

“Why did you come up with this idea?”

And they start to think about it, and they start well what’s going to happen if we do this? Or, what happened because we did this? Or, what happened because you did this?

You see, it’s a very different frame of mind.

A Shift In Energy and Outlook

I really believe that these are the things that shape a lot of the limitations and problems that we face as adults that later we have to really work hard to overcome.

If we can learn to pass on new ways of thinking, to our children and to those around us, anybody, you can change this kind of outlook and these kind of questions and these kind of things with anybody you work with, your colleagues, subordinates, people who work under you or even addressing other family members and you’ll see how this changes your relationships, it changes the energy and it changes really the way that you are working, working together, that things are getting done, less mistakes happening, whatever it is that you’re looking to accomplish at that time.

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All right, I would like to leave you with a quote for today,

[shareable cite=”Bob Keeshan” text=”Parents are the ultimate role models for children.”]Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent. #quote [/shareable]

Okay, now here is your affirmation, be sure to write it out, post it by your bedside or in the bathroom and kitchen, look at it at least twice a day and every time you look at it, say it out loud three times,

[shareable cite=”Abe Stone” text=”I am raising confident, thoughtful, happy children.”]I am raising confident, thoughtful, happy children as guide them in their exploration and discovery of the world and their unique place in it. #affirmation[/shareable]